Here’s the truth: We chose for our babies to be exclusively formula-fed. You read that right. It wasn’t done out of necessity. Cue the collective gasp from members of La Leche League.
I won’t get into all of the glorious details of my experience with breastfeeding, but let’s just say that it was rough. After a c-section and postpartum hemorrhage, my milk supply was slow to come in. When it did, it wasn’t enough to feed two babies. I gave up on breastfeeding shortly after birth and focused exclusively on pumping. Seeing as I only produced small quantities, I considered my contributions to be a sort of “dose” that the girls would get in their bottles of formula.
Every time that we fed them, I felt guilty. Guilty for giving them formula and for not wanting to breastfeed. Guilty for not trying harder and for not pumping as much as I should to increase my supply. After a couple of months of pumping, I knew that I wanted to give that up too. After hearing “breast is best” on a seemingly infinite loop, I felt like a horrible mother for wanting to let my supply dry up in order to get some rest.
The disappointment of it all was heartbreaking. I had assumed that my body would adapt to supporting two babies, as many women do. I discovered rather quickly that my body didn’t want to follow my lead. Pumping was easy enough, but I hated it. I didn’t enjoy being attached to a machine that made me feel like a cow on the milk production line.
People kept asking how the girls were growing and whether or not they were receiving breastmilk. Funny, isn’t it? Pediatricians aside, no one really cares what you feed your children unless they’re under 20 pounds. Then, it seems as if everyone has an opinion on your children’s dietary needs.
Initially, I didn’t want others to know that the girls were completely formula-fed. That truth was accompanied by shame. After all, formula is made out to be evil in most motherhood forums and pregnancy brochures. I especially couldn’t tell others that they were formula-fed simply because I wanted them to be. I figured I’d really be judged then.
The shame game kept me quiet and sad for months. It wasn’t until I went back to work that the game grew old. I saw another postpartum colleague scurrying to pump during busy shifts and I was so grateful that I wasn’t in her shoes. I experienced a moment of relief during a period of time in which I had only felt guilt. It was a small reminder that I had made the right decision for my body and mind. There was one less thing to worry about in the busyness of raising twins as a working mom.
It’s sad to look back and realize just how much pressure I placed on myself to produce breastmilk. At the time, it felt as if that one task defined my ability as a mother. It’s even sadder to reflect on the judgment of others and how that contributed to my shame. During a time when I needed support, I was receiving questioning glances and unsolicited advice on breastfeeding from outsiders. I had felt as if I needed permission to put my mental health first. That is how pervasive the breast-is-best campaign is. It’s enough to convince mothers to cry in corners, keep secrets, and question their worth.
I share all of this with you because I want you to know that it’s okay to formula-feed your babies if that’s what you want to do. You don’t need a fancy or complicated excuse to do it. You don’t need an excuse at all. Prioritizing your well-being is more than enough reason to leave breastfeeding and pumping behind if that’s what you desire. I’m so grateful for my partner, who remained supportive, loving, and understanding through those tumultuous months of lactation.
Please take care of yourself and give yourself grace when it comes to how you feed your babies. Do your best not to let the opinions of others shape your decisions or self-worth. It took me months to finally make peace with my choice to let it all go. I’m so glad that I did. And guess what…my twins are in the 91stpercentile for growth. Formula seems to be working just fine.
If you need a little extra help to feel better about choosing formula, please read the book “Bottled Up: How the Way We Feed Babies Has Come to Define Motherhood, and Why It Shouldn’t,” by Suzanne Barston. I think the title speaks for itself.
