There’s an important topic that’s regularly thrown around when discussing pregnancy, childbirth, and life with newborns: postpartum depression. It’s a diagnosis that has received some well-deserved time in the spotlight over the last handful of years. Screenings have become routine after delivery in the United States. At-risk women are more closely followed and it’s no surprise that moms of multiples are included in that category.
With a magnifying glass on PPD, you’d assume that women would find the help that they need with ease. You might assume that the numerous screenings and conversations surrounding the topic would allow for efficient identification of those affected. You might also assume that the signs and symptoms of PPD would be easily recognizable since everyone seems to be talking about them. That’s what I assumed during pregnancy, at least.
The rush of Oxytocin and overwhelming love that I experienced after birth worked wonders. I was able to function on lack of sleep and nutrition because I was fueled by the magic of becoming a mother. Once we were settled into life at home, the magic started to lose its momentum as the sleepless nights, skipped meals, and stress of two babies took over. The unconditional love remained, but the human condition refused to be ignored. You can only run on empty for so long until your body starts to raise some red flags. We were warned about self-care and rest, of course, but we were in survival mode as new parents to twins.
It started out as bursts of anger over the annoying tags on baby clothes or baby wipes coming out of the package in clumps. Once my partner returned to work, it quickly turned into rage. Quiet, internal rage towards friends, family, and even inanimate objects. The mere sight of dirty dishes, full garbage cans, or countertop crumbs would trigger chest tightness. I felt my fists and jaw clench when anything didn’t go according to plan, which is almost everything when you become a parent. Though my anger was never a threat to the safety of my babies, it was most certainly a threat to my health, healing, and adaptability as a new mom.
I was keenly aware of my anger once it became commonplace, but I assumed it was a normal part of being exhausted. PPD screenings asked me if I cried or became overwhelmed by things “for no good reason.” In my mind, parenting two newborns was a perfectly good reason to experience overwhelm and persistent episodes of intense emotionality. I never scored high on the screenings because the wording didn’t fit my logical analysis of my symptoms.
I was still laughing, still cleaning my house, still loving my babies, still looking forward to the future, and still finding happiness in moments throughout the day. And the question about losing sleep due to mood? How can you narrow down the root cause of sleep loss when you’re not even sure what sleep is anymore?
My PPD initially fell through the cracks because of my interpretation of the screenings. Thankfully, I eventually sought help from my OBGYN. I realized that I was drowning in the extreme ups and downs of my emotions, but I was eight weeks postpartum by the time I recognized that it wasn’t normal.
Perhaps it was my experience as a RN that clued me in or perhaps my profession did the opposite by convincing me to overanalyze a healthcare questionnaire. I believe that it was the concern of my mother and partner that ultimately led to my enlightenment. Although the signs weren’t obvious to me at first, they were definitely obvious to those that knew me best.
A roller coaster of emotions is to be expected with a newborn or two, but painful, paralyzing whiplash is not. Anger is a common symptom of PPD, but it isn’t always the first that comes to mind. Depression may not look like puffy eyes and frowns. It can sometimes look like furrowed eyebrows and white knuckles. It can even hide behind chuckles and the glow of new motherhood.
PPD screenings are not all-encompassing. They can even be misleading when your brain attempts to make excuses for your distress. Every woman is unique and every mother is experiencing her own version of loss, renewal, and discovery. If there’s any question in your mind as to whether or not your emotions are “normal,” please reach out to your provider. It doesn’t matter how you think you should score on a health questionnaire. They’re not tests that you have to study for and pass. You’re human and your health deserves a conversation with a trusted loved one or professional.
Thankfully, more and more women are coming forward about their individual experiences with PPD. I’m determined to be a part of that movement towards transparency. It’s how we find the companionship, help, and support that we all need and deserve.
