One morning, I was listening to a podcast on self-care for moms. The speaker was discussing her recent entrance into motherhood with a healthy baby boy. Given her professional knowledge of the needs of new moms, she had a solid plan in place to ensure that she didn’t go insane once baby arrived. Within this plan existed a whole team of hired helpers including a postpartum doula, housekeeper, and mental health counselor. She went on to describe difficulty in finding rest with a newborn, even with her team at her side.

Per my usual morning routine, I was listening to the podcast while showering. As I stood beneath the water, I felt waves of envy rush through me. This woman had hired a whole crew to help her thrive as a new mom to ONE baby. AND she had her husband around to help carry the weight of the world. In contrast, here I was doing my best to stay afloat with twin babies, a deployed partner, a house, and a job while seldom receiving help. How was she going to educate ME on self-care?

Admittedly, I sometimes experience annoyance when a mom of a healthy single baby complains about her stress. I know, I know. That’s not fair. It’s not fair to resent moms of singletons for announcing and claiming their hardships in motherhood. They have a right to feel just as exasperated as we do. Unfortunately, singleton moms have become a scapegoat that I utilize during times of burnout, loneliness, and instability.

It’s not uncommon to feel lost in motherhood, especially in the beginning. All of a sudden, your focus shifts from your own developmental needs to those of your children. Though this is one of the many beauties of motherhood, it can also be one of the most difficult. When we lose our sense of self, our ability to empathize and connect with others is hindered. This can lead to resentment towards mothers who appear to have it better from our perspective as outsiders.

In order to feel less envious, competitive, and judgmental, we have to redirect our energy. We’re all on the same team anyway. Though society (and survival mechanisms within our brilliant brains) tries to convince us that we are in competition, we most certainly are not. We have to work on filling our own cups with healthy goodness so we can stop pouring negativity into the cups of others. I don’t know what that looks like for you, but I know that I often turn to writing to top my cup off. I also try to regularly prioritize hot baths, good books, and outings with loved ones.

Speaking of cups, I took a few moments to reflect on the podcast later that day while enjoying a cup of tea. I found myself admiring the speaker for prioritizing and creating an action plan that focused exclusively on her health. Her methods for self-care were not ones that I could have initiated with newborns, but that didn’t matter. The tea that I was sipping was a tiny part of my plan for ongoing self-care, which is neither superior nor inferior to anyone’s methods. Ideas and lifestyles are different. Routines with one baby versus two are different. What’s not different is that we’re all just doing the best that we can. We are teammates in this adventure called motherhood, whether our egos always remember it or not.