There’s a unique type of guilt that plagues mothers with multiple children. A guilt you’re forced to reconcile with continuously: the guilt of having to choose between them.
When I refer to choosing between your children, I refer to the inevitable decisions you have to make when providing care and attention. We all know that we can’t be everything all of our children need all at once. Sometimes, one child needs you more than another. Sometimes, they need you equally, but it’s not possible to split yourself perfectly in halves or quarters. At times, you have to choose who needs more of you and when.
In nursing, we use the word “triage” to refer to the decision-making utilized when choosing which patient needs us most urgently. In motherhood, the same concept applies. We’re forced to triage our children, even when it hurts and even when we wish we didn’t have to. From the routine decisions we make to the unexpected decisions we’re faced with; someone often has to come first.
As an only child, I didn’t have to wait or compete when it came to my parent’s attention. I was the star of the show as I was the only one in the spotlight. This is in stark contrast to the type of parenting I’ve been facing as a first-time mother to twins. Two toddlers require my presence and it is often impossible to meet their individual needs in unison.
As the twins grow bigger, my ability to physically provide for them in tandem is becoming more difficult. I wish I could continue to carry them both through the house. I wish I could continue to rock them both when they cry, but this proves difficult as an individual. This means that I’m faced with choices: which one shall I cradle and which one shall I pat when they both cling to me? Who seems more uncomfortable, sad, distressed, or lonely? Which did I hold last and for how long? Who got first dibs on my time today and who has yet to have my undivided focus? Do they feel left out or are they already acquainted with sharing my attention? How do I pick which one to tend to first when they both seem to need me in equal measure?
These are the questions that run through my mind in the midst of our daily routine. I make a conscious effort to offer equality in every facet of their care. I embrace them both when they come to me for hugs, but I’ve had to rock one injured baby while the other clung to me in a panic. I’ve had to carry one upstairs while the other sat crying at the bottom of the steps. I’ve had to choose who to focus on and who to temporarily place in my periphery. It always brings me guilt because they’re both my first choice.
Sharing your heart, body, and spirit with more than one child at once has its challenges. I’ve learned to give myself grace in this matter. I wish I could split myself in two to accommodate every whim, every boo-boo, and every snuggle in the moment that its needed, but I know that I can’t and must remain whole. I wish I could carry them both forever, but the day will soon come when it’s no longer an option. When that day arrives, I hope to make peace with its inevitability as I continue to carry them in my heart for a lifetime.
