The holiday season tends to bring about joy, warmth, community, and feelings of gratitude. It can be fairly easy to feel festive when surrounded by nostalgic music, stunning light displays, and Snickerdoodle cookies. It’s my favorite time of year…usually. This year, however, I was left fending for myself as my S.O. remained deployed overseas. No amount of peppermint mochas or Hallmark movies could save me from the loneliness that persisted throughout the month of December.
I carved out time to watch holiday movies and walked the twins around the neighborhood to see the lights. We visited Santa and I wrapped gifts in sparkly paper after putting the girls down for the night. We listened to Michael Bublé’s Christmas Album on repeat and burned candles that filled the house with the scent of cedarwood and cashmere (apparently, fabrics can be translated into fragrances). I did everything imaginable to instill a sense of holiday spirit, but it just wasn’t enough.
The familiarity of the season couldn’t fill the void that existed without his presence, even though I desperately wanted it to. The Christmas activities that usually brought sustained excitement led to glee that faded quickly once I remembered that he wasn’t coming home. Though thrilled to cultivate a sense of wonder for our daughters, I was sad to be creating it without him. I felt guilty for experiencing special moments with our girls that should’ve been enjoyed by both of us as parents. I was making beautiful memories and traditions while he longed for home.
The reality of being a divided family hits hard when every family around you shares their holiday photos. It hits again when every Christmas song mentions kisses under the mistletoe and cuddles by the tree. And it hits harder still when you watch your children open gifts in the warmth of a decorated home as your loved one sits cold in a bunker on the other side of the world.
These magical moments are meant to be shared and Facetime doesn’t cut it. I look forward to next Christmas when we can celebrate the holidays within the same vicinity. When we can playfully bicker over wrapping paper and recipes. When the family portrait includes all 4 of us, safe and warm together under the same roof. When the season feels like it should: connected and hopeful.
