There’s nothing like new motherhood. It’s a major life event that we, as women, usually hope to share, endure, and celebrate with those closest to us. Unfortunately, those nearest to our hearts may have other plans.

I didn’t think that I’d lose people to early parenthood. I knew that the appearance of my friendships would change once I became a mom, but I thought that those closest to me would appreciate the necessity of those changes. This was particularly true of my friends who were mothers themselves. Even if the commonality of parenthood were missing, I assumed that historical commonalities would act as a buffer during the transition. I hoped that all of my friends would continue to shower me with the same love that they always had.

Unfortunately, that hope was dashed shortly after birth. Most of my friends made themselves known, but I was caught off guard by a few that didn’t. No congratulations, no check-ins, and no effort. I spent the morning of my 30^th birthday connected to a breast pump while mourning some of the connections that I knew I had lost. I quickly realized that the presence of a friend at your baby shower does not guarantee the presence of that friend after birth.

It’s easy for friendships to look the same during pregnancy. You can still meet up for brunch on Saturday or a movie date on Tuesday evening. It’s not so straightforward once the babies arrive and spontaneity is replaced by routine. Happy hour no longer includes a trip to the bar. Instead, it entails a frozen meal between bottle feedings and wake times. The little black dress is replaced by a loose black nursing tunic. Theater tickets become Netflix re-runs and coffee is served from a pot instead of a barista.

Nothing looks the same and everything takes more effort. Some won’t like the extra effort required of them to maintain a relationship with you. They’re familiar with the untethered “you” of years past, but they’re not familiar with the “you” who has children. Some may assume that you’ve no time for them now or that common ground will be too difficult to find. Whatever the reason may be, they’ve chosen to put your friendship to rest.

I’ve spent plenty of time missing, pondering, and criticizing those friendships that ended as a result of motherhood. Perhaps my role as a mother triggers grief, longing, or anxiety within those who have left. Maybe they prefer nostalgia to the creation of new memories. Perhaps envy, discomfort, or uncertainty prevents them from showing up or showing love. One thing I know for certain, however, is that they’re not too busy. No one is too busy to prioritize those that they cherish and respect.

Then, there are those who stayed. They are the ones who’ve helped me navigate the murky waters of this new adventure by jumping in with me. The first year is a whirlwind and some are better-equipped to tough it out with you than others. I’m grateful for those who remain and respect every facet of my identity. My children are surrounded by people who show up for their mother and I’m glad that we can model healthy and sincere friendships for them as they grow.