So you know someone who’s added newborns (note: plural) to their family? Congratulations! You play an invaluable role during this transitional period. I can say from experience that one’s social circle has a major impact on the difficulty level of the newborn stage. I want to share a few suggestions to best support moms of multiples during this stage. This can remove some guesswork while also preventing added stress on the lady in the hot seat.
Don’t make assumptions
No one likes to feel excluded, overlooked, or stereotyped. Many seem to assume that once a woman becomes a mother, she lacks time for friendship or any adult interaction outside of the home. When there’s more than one baby involved, this assumption is even more commonplace.
It’s vital that friends continue to show up and offer support once the babies are born. The postpartum period is when it’s the most important. Don’t assume that a new mom doesn’t have time to reply to a quick call or text message. She may have newborns at home, but that doesn’t mean that she can’t enjoy an outing with friends or a video call with someone she trusts. She’s likely to fear that she will lose her friends to this new chapter in life. Don’t substantiate her fears.
With that said, refrain from expecting a timely response or call back if you do reach out. Make the effort to remain in contact, but please be patient as she navigates the busy day-to-day routine of caring for babies. A delayed response doesn’t imply that she doesn’t appreciate your check-in. She’ll value your consideration, consistency, and care. Trust me, she will never forget who showed up and who didn’t.
Go to her
Seeing as I gave birth to our twins shortly before the holidays, family members on all sides expected us to bring the babies over to celebrate. Not only was I scared to do this because of circulating viruses, but I also had NO desire to pack up two newborns and drive all over the metro area.
If you really want to help, please make it easy on the new mom in question and go to her whenever possible. Unless she specifically states that she wants to get out of the house with the family, many moms won’t want to commit to traveling because of what it entails. Taking newborns anywhere is a major undertaking. Don’t pressure her to come to you and don’t get mad if she declines an invitation. She doesn’t owe anyone a reason for not venturing out with the babies.
In addition, it’s best not to show up at random unless this was discussed beforehand (i.e. an established open-door policy to meet the babies). One thing you can assume is that she is fatigued and emotional. Surprise visits aren’t usually conducive to this level of exhaustion. Ask before you go.
Try not to make comparisons
People mean well most of the time, but certain commentary may be inappropriate when making a visit. Attempting to educate a new mom on what worked for someone else’s baby or what you found on Google isn’t always helpful. Moms of multiples are particularly susceptible to comparison traps seeing as popular parenting advice isn’t usually created with multiples in mind. Comparing routines of single-baby households to those of multiple-baby households is like comparing apples to oranges. If she wants advice or suggestions, she will likely ask for it.
In summary, new moms are working hard. Moms of twins and higher-order multiples are working hard and then some. Don’t forget to shower the one you know with love and kindness whenever you get the chance. Provide a listening ear and patient presence in order to reassure her that you aren’t going anywhere. In doing so, you can help ease her transition into multiple motherhood and that is something that everyone can celebrate.
