I’ll admit that I’ve been desperately seeking a creative spark over the last few months. My ability to sit down and write has been severely lacking since my S.O.’s return from deployment. Most of my energy has been directed toward reintegration and family bonding, leaving little time for much else. With that said, things have finally begun to settle down. This is especially true after taking some time to rest and rejuvenate.
We returned from our first legitimate vacation as a couple just a few weeks ago. It was exactly what our souls needed after a tumultuous period of adjustment. The last 2 years had thrown us into a tailspin with very little time to acclimate. Not only did we have to orient ourselves to new parenthood, but we had to do so with multiples. And then, as our identities shifted, we had to separate for a lengthy military tour. There had been no room for familiarity or comfort as new twin parents.
Let’s face it…financial strain, time constraints, childcare concerns, and debilitating exhaustion turn vacations into pipe dreams once kids come into the equation. I had known that my days of spontaneous trips were over when I saw those bold lines on a First Response stick. My final vacation before kids, for example, had occurred a mere 2 days after I discovered that I was pregnant with twins. With my OB’s approval, I had taken a trip to Hawaii with my girlfriends. I had known that it was to be the last of its kind.
That vacation was filled with its fair share of morning sickness and grief as I adjusted to life as a pregnant woman. I didn’t know who I would be when I returned to Hawaii in the future; I only knew that I would be a mother. So I soaked in the sunshine, snorkeling, and mocktails in between sessions of tearfulness and dry heaving. It was a bittersweet and beautiful goodbye to the self that had visited those islands for years.
Since that lovely Hawaiian vacation, I have dreamed of tropical beaches and daiquiris. I have yearned to be immersed in the ocean and sprinkled with sand. Visualizations of island bliss have flooded my mind while folding clothes, wiping countertops, and emptying diaper pails. After several weeks of post-deployment shenanigans, a vacation was on the agenda. We were going to make it happen and I was eager to bask in some sun.
Sunshine wasn’t necessarily at the top of my partner’s list when planning a vacation, however. When he suggested a trip to Alberta, I was a little less enthused. Although I was desperate for a break, a cold trek in the mountains did not fit the mental image of “vacation” that I had been conjuring up since giving birth. It certainly didn’t correlate with the island trips I was so familiar with.
But, after Googling photos of Banff National Park and Calgary, I agreed to my partner’s suggestion as a trip to Alberta would fit in the 5- or 6-day window that we had arranged for childcare. Plus, it was a new place for both of us and one that would enable me to finally put my passport to use. The pictures that I found revealed beautiful landscapes and a variety of activities. I found myself looking forward to the adventures that we were planning, even if they were to be done in relatively chilly weather. We were making a vacation happen and that was ultimately all that mattered!
As you may have guessed, the first couple of vacation days felt like a dream. Banff National Park was even more stunning than the photos and I was elated when we completed a hike to the summit of Tunnel Mountain. I used to hike quite often before pregnancy so I felt like I was getting reconnected with my outdoorsy side. The cold fresh air and comradery found with other hikers on the mountain filled my cup with joy and a renewed sense of personal identity.
Later, we traveled to Lake Louise and I found myself admiring nature and stillness again. I also got a glimpse of ice-blanketed turquoise water, which almost eclipsed the beauty of the tropical beaches that I was so craving. We drank cocktails in the Canadian Rockies, visited a wolfdog sanctuary, and came face-to-face with elk and a black bear! The excitement was enough to keep my mind in a fairly constant state of exhilaration.
When we made our transition to the city to spend our last few days in Calgary, I found myself feeling anxious. It had finally caught up to me. Initially, I couldn’t pinpoint why the pit in my stomach seemingly came out of nowhere. After sifting through photos and videos of the girls, I realized just how homesick I was. I certainly wasn’t homesick for the chores or stress of non-vacation living, but I was homesick for my babies’ hugs, kisses, and giggles.
As fulfilling as our first vacation was as parents, we were both so happy to return home to our crazy little toddlers; our entrance having been met with waves and smiles from our girls. We dressed them in the hockey jerseys we purchased in Banff and basked in the beauty of purpose that accompanies every homecoming at this stage in our lives.
I can happily say that my first vacation as a mother was even more rewarding than I anticipated. The perspective gained from an extended period away from my kids was what I needed to reacquaint myself with all facets of my being. Time felt more valuable. Nature seemed more vibrant. An overwhelming appreciation for life was palpable. I didn’t feel guilty for having enjoyed the space and peace found outside of motherhood, although I thoroughly expected to. Something as common and simple as a brief vacation allowed me to return home as a complete and rejuvenated person. We have all benefitted from that.
